Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
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Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Milk Cube
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
New comic up. “Ransom”
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.