No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
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I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Had to try this trend 😊
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.