Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
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People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Buck naked
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.