If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
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ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”