If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
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A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now