My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
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4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.