I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
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-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
The fall of Netflix
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.