The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
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BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
The news
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*