Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
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[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub