The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
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I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Smile Twitter, Smile.