crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
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Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
lol
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
There’s no “us” in nachos.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft