At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
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I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*