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[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit