Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
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Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
the three branches of government
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair