*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
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Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass