I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
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After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
#Caturday
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.