BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
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It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Had an epiphany today.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this