recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
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doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Maths meets science
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.