The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
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Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
i was baptized in a car wash
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.