Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
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“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt