“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
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[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
😂😂
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Art by Pastelkatto
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.