it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
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if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore