Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
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Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.