“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
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What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
<—- homeless romantic
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.