When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
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accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
me hooking up with my ex
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
But is it really??
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.