Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
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My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
That’s enough internet for the day
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.