[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
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Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I would move hell over six inches for you
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
i wish i could marry a nap
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.