Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
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Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Meat Cute
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Who.
Did.
This?
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
mom had nothing to worry about
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid