I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
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I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
i want the dreams to chase me for once
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler