I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
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I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died