Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
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my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.