[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
You Might Also Like
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
My last name is Zilla.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.