I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
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Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day