The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
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I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.