WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
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You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it