If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
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“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.