My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
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[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me