I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
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Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Oops I deleted….
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.