Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
You Might Also Like
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.