People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
You Might Also Like
AM I BEING GASLIT????
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Duck typos.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle