I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
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It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!