Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
You Might Also Like
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.