Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
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I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.