[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
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[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Hello Twits.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note