Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
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You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Me driving through Toronto
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I…do not understand how electricity works.
thanks auntie mary
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
If you want my opinion ask my wife
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.