I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
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Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
The news is so predictable nowadays
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*