Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
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Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Speak now or ever hold your peace
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?