Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
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Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020