You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
You Might Also Like
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
(by @ZachWeiner )
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
23. the denim jacket
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.