The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
You Might Also Like
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.